On 2 January 2008, I was given the diagnosis that I have breast cancer in my right breast. It felt weird. I thought that getting a firm diagnosis like that would make me very upset, worried and weepy but my first reaction was relief at knowing. That was followed at great speed by a huge swell of determination to get well again, and a dash of irritation as I haven't really got time to have cancer! Truth be told, I wasn't surprised. Back on 7 December, I noticed that my right breast was bigger than the left one and felt a lump in it. I went to the Doctor straight away and the speed of the referral made it clear something was up. I'm a student chiropractor and in December I was just buying books for my second year. Of course, I couldn't resist pouncing on the sections on breasts, lumps and cancer as my books arrived. I read nothing to make me truly believe it wasn't cancer.
By 19 December, when I attended the breast unit, I wasn't surprised that my examination was thorough. Everyone at the unit seems really nice. (Just as well, really, as I'll be seing them a fair bit over the next little while I guess.)
If you're interested, I had mammograms to both breasts (2 directions each), an ultrasound scan on the right one and a core biopsy was taken as well. The radiographer doing the mammograms was great - really fast. It wasn't the nicest experience but, like a smear teat, it's important. The ultrasound is fine, just a bit cold and slimey. I wasn't very keen on the core biopsy, though: I don't know exactly what happens, but my body does not seem to react at all well to local anaesthetics. The core biopsy should have been fine (I think) as a local had been injected but it actually felt at least as uncomfortable as having nipples or belly button piercings...three times in the same place. Then the weird thing kicked in and the right hand side of my face was anaesthatised and I just had to go home and sleep the whole thing off!
About me
I am 46, married, with 2 daughters. I'm divorced from the girls' dad but he loves his girls and sees them very regularly.
I'm basically a pretty healthy sort. I'm slightly chubby (BMI 25 at the moment, I think and I regard myself as well at at the moment!) I eat quite well and eat loads of fruit and veg, not huge amounts of fat. I do drink but rarely more than 1 or two and I don't smoke.
For exercise, I like to ride. If possible, I ride 2-3 times a week. If I don't ride with my daughter then I run alongside her. In the past, I used to do far more weights, aerobics etc but my Degree course in Chiropractic does leave me short of time.
I work in a large Higher Education institution, doing admin work. I've been there 22 years.
The Diagnosis
My cancer is still quite small. It's about 1.5 cm across and is confined to the duct. The Consultant doesn't think it has yet metastased.
Apparently, this is the most common form of breast cancer. (I am very comforted by this, on the grounds that this means the Breast Care Team will have seem plenty of cases like mine and will therefore know a lot about how to help me get well.)
The Treatment
I have already started taking Tamoxifen tablets. My tumour is oestrogen-receptive so this will block the receptors and stop it getting bigger/spreading.
I'm still waiting for a date to go into hospital. It's my own fault - the first Consultant said I'd need a complete mastectomy but I asked if it might be possible to save some of it. She wasn't sure so her colleague had a look. He thought it should be possible. The reason they thought it might be too hard to do a lumpectomy is that I have relatively small breasts (eh?? I never thought 36C was small!) and they aren't droopy. Now I'm wishing I'd flashed them about a bit more while I could and sunbthed topless and stuff. Ah well, too cold for it in Buckinghamshire in January! The plan is that I will hopefully be left with something between and A and B cup. After surgery, I'll eventually be able to choose between wearing a prosthetic or having the left one reduced to match. However, before all that, we have to find a day when both Consultants are available and there's a 'long slot' available in theatre.
After surgery, I will be given some time to get a bit stronger, then I will have radiotherapy for 4-5 weeks. In all, they anticipation is that I will be off work for three months or so if all goes well. There aren't and chemo plans at present so I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that.
How I feel today (7 Jan)
Honoured, priveliged and happy that my hubby and children are so lovely and love me so much. I'm being cuddled to bits which I choose to believe is very therapeutic!
Scared of surgery and the anaesthetic. I've never had a general and struggle to get my head around the idea that I have to have one because this is a matter of life and death. (How can it be? I feel well!)
Really scared about all the pain to follow. I'm a bit of a baby really. On the outside, I just get on with stuff 'cos I haven't got the option but inside I hate it. I also get bored really easily and hate the idea of being too poorly to lead my usual active life. I'm scared that I'll get depressed with all the inactivity. I've been depressed before and it sucks.
I'm also very confused. I've been reading all sorts of leaflets and things on the web. On the one hand, I had the Breast Care Team implying that I might be looking at 3 months out of action but on the other, I've been reading things about people never recovering full strength of returning to work!
I'm also sooooo in denial. I refuse to even contemplate that this is anything more than a temporary setback.
I'm quite pissed off too. I don't want to have to take a year out of my course as I want to get on with my new career as soon as I can!
Nervous about telling people. I'm not sure how they'll react. I know one of my mates will be really, really upset.
The really, really strong feeling, though, is that some crap typo in my DNA that means I have some stupid cells that don't know when enough's enough and so won't stop dividing are not, not, not gonna be the end of me!
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