27 February
Time is whizzing by and I’m pleased at how things are going. Much, much less tired now but somehow I’m not achieving much – the house is messy and I haven’t done any studying. I have been riding three times though which was great, even if it was a bit of a mistake to pop over a small jump. I’ve also had a bra fitting and visited Mum. (No comment. We have Issues. Or maybe I do.)
Went back to hospital and found out my cancer was just 15mm diameter and they got nice clear margins. It’s hormone receptive (hence the tamoxifen) and HER2 negative. No cancer cells were found in the surrounding lymph or blood vessels or the 19 sampled lymph nodes. It was Grade 3 (energetically invasive) though. An appointment is being booked with the oncologist for next Wednesday so maybe then I’ll know more about treatment. Chemo was mentioned as a possibility as I’m still young, apparently and I’m almost definitely in line for radiotherapy. Fucking annoying, when I currently feel well but I’ll do what it takes to takes to try to ensure my long-term health as best I can.
A few reflections
The oedema has gone down a bit so the teas seem to be helping. Also, all this healthy eating is paying off as I have lost 9lbs since Christmas! Worst of the burning seems to have gone from my arm – think the homeopathic remedy I was given at my last homeopath visit helped – but the numb bit itches from time to time. New bras are brilliant, if practically impossible to get into. They seem to perform magic tricks and make my boobs look more even.
‘We’ve only been doing this for six months.’
‘Well. You’ve got the edge on me then. I‘ve scarcely been at it a month!’
Asked about a prosthesis last week and had appointment at hosp. Got there to very grumpy nurse who said you only get a to leave hospital with a ‘comfy’ (soft fake boob) if it’s a full mastectomy; for WLE, you normally wait 4-6 weeks.
Her explanation of the duff info was that they have ‘only’ been doing WLE at the hospital for around 6 months. Had to bite my tongue not to point out that she therefore had far more experience of this than me…Anyway, that little thought really made me shudder. I’m so grateful to still have some shape both sides. All this would have been so much more traumatic had I been really maimed*. WLE has been around for ages and I’m shocked to think how many women must be going about their business having had possibly unnecessary full mastectomies. I am so glad I pulled a face at that first appointment!
(*Hmmm…may have survived the ‘slash’ bit pretty well…still got the chance of being pretty well maimed when we get to the rads.)
Wednesday 27 February 2008
Thursday 14 February 2008
First Week Home
Pleased to be home but a few ups and downs. I was such a nuisance in bed Monday night that hubby asked me to sleep in senior daughter’s room while she was at her dad’s on Tuesday, so he could get a bit of rest. That made me cry a lot, and made him feel bad too, but at least we slept!
During the week, loads of flowers arrived. They are absolutely beautiful! My mum, my class and both my offices sent lovely bouquets. They made me cry…but in a good way.
Darkest day so far was Thursday. Drain still draining a lot and leaking repeatedly. Every time I had to change the dressing and all my clothes, it made me feel sick. Poor mum got the brunt of it when she called. When the drain came out on Friday, it was amazing! I could feel al the negativity leaving me and tight muscles unravelling. Sooo much better. Beautiful weather at the weekend helped too!
Hints and tips
Must admit to being quite disgruntled that the hospital made no offer of any form of prosthesis. I’ve fashioned my own version, using an old bra cup from a bra that was a bit small, and a wonderbra pad so when I’m dressed, I look OK and at least my bra cup doesn’t hang half empty. Also regretting not going to have a mastectomy bra fitted before the op, as I can hardly take my wounds to M&S! Hopefully, it won’t be long ‘til the scabs are off, then I’ll go. In the meantime, I have taken the wires out of some of my old bras and that seem to be working OK.
Second Week Home
Big improvements! Been out on my bicycle and also been driving with no problems. Scar healing well, much better than I thought it would. Only slight downers are there is some oedema in the armpit area and the nerve damage affecting right arm (there‘s a numb bit surrounded by skin that thinks it’s burning). Been pointed at dandelion or nettle tea for oedema (both quite acceptable to me but bit of an acquired taste perhaps) which at least seems to have stopped any increase. Also a friend suggested Rescue Remedy in some lotion on the arm. I was a bit sceptical bit it really took the sting out of it. It may be my imagination but it was cheap and helpful so who cares?
Looking forward to going in to college at the weekend (although I doubt I’ll manage 3 days) and to riding next week.
Still going with the homeopathic remedies.
Planning to make some bags to give to the breast care unit, so other ladies don’t have to wander around with drains in carrier bags like I did and wondering if I can blag some free fabric off Ikea or John Lewis. I have some here so I’ll use that up first.
Had a bit of a pessimistic day on Tuesday and looked at wig web sites. That quite cheered my up! I can even get a pink bob wig, like my own hair but a bit longer, if I need one! Should I need one, there’s no way I’ll go for a ‘natural’ look. I don’t normally so why change? Anyway, that’s all hypothetical presently. I’ll find out about chemo on 25 Feb, when I go back to the hospital. (Must remember to take them some decent magazines!)
Over the weekend, I joined some forums for people with breast cancer. I was a bit depressing really so it’s not exactly an addictive pastime. There seems to be a shortage of people like me who don’t actually want to fess up to being ill unless it’s forced upon them. I mean, it’s not like I’m not aware that I have an invasive cancer which could kill me. (Hopefully HAD now the lump has gone!!!) However, if it keeps the smile on my face to pretend everything is fine, then why shouldn’t I?
At the moment, I still feel like a lucky girl. I found the cancer when it was still quite small and the breast care unit people seem positive. I wouldn’t have picked to have cancer, given the option, but seeing as I have, it’s not too much of a raw deal. I’m just happy to be having it treated and want to get on with my life!
Pleased to be home but a few ups and downs. I was such a nuisance in bed Monday night that hubby asked me to sleep in senior daughter’s room while she was at her dad’s on Tuesday, so he could get a bit of rest. That made me cry a lot, and made him feel bad too, but at least we slept!
During the week, loads of flowers arrived. They are absolutely beautiful! My mum, my class and both my offices sent lovely bouquets. They made me cry…but in a good way.
Darkest day so far was Thursday. Drain still draining a lot and leaking repeatedly. Every time I had to change the dressing and all my clothes, it made me feel sick. Poor mum got the brunt of it when she called. When the drain came out on Friday, it was amazing! I could feel al the negativity leaving me and tight muscles unravelling. Sooo much better. Beautiful weather at the weekend helped too!
Hints and tips
Must admit to being quite disgruntled that the hospital made no offer of any form of prosthesis. I’ve fashioned my own version, using an old bra cup from a bra that was a bit small, and a wonderbra pad so when I’m dressed, I look OK and at least my bra cup doesn’t hang half empty. Also regretting not going to have a mastectomy bra fitted before the op, as I can hardly take my wounds to M&S! Hopefully, it won’t be long ‘til the scabs are off, then I’ll go. In the meantime, I have taken the wires out of some of my old bras and that seem to be working OK.
Second Week Home
Big improvements! Been out on my bicycle and also been driving with no problems. Scar healing well, much better than I thought it would. Only slight downers are there is some oedema in the armpit area and the nerve damage affecting right arm (there‘s a numb bit surrounded by skin that thinks it’s burning). Been pointed at dandelion or nettle tea for oedema (both quite acceptable to me but bit of an acquired taste perhaps) which at least seems to have stopped any increase. Also a friend suggested Rescue Remedy in some lotion on the arm. I was a bit sceptical bit it really took the sting out of it. It may be my imagination but it was cheap and helpful so who cares?
Looking forward to going in to college at the weekend (although I doubt I’ll manage 3 days) and to riding next week.
Still going with the homeopathic remedies.
Planning to make some bags to give to the breast care unit, so other ladies don’t have to wander around with drains in carrier bags like I did and wondering if I can blag some free fabric off Ikea or John Lewis. I have some here so I’ll use that up first.
Had a bit of a pessimistic day on Tuesday and looked at wig web sites. That quite cheered my up! I can even get a pink bob wig, like my own hair but a bit longer, if I need one! Should I need one, there’s no way I’ll go for a ‘natural’ look. I don’t normally so why change? Anyway, that’s all hypothetical presently. I’ll find out about chemo on 25 Feb, when I go back to the hospital. (Must remember to take them some decent magazines!)
Over the weekend, I joined some forums for people with breast cancer. I was a bit depressing really so it’s not exactly an addictive pastime. There seems to be a shortage of people like me who don’t actually want to fess up to being ill unless it’s forced upon them. I mean, it’s not like I’m not aware that I have an invasive cancer which could kill me. (Hopefully HAD now the lump has gone!!!) However, if it keeps the smile on my face to pretend everything is fine, then why shouldn’t I?
At the moment, I still feel like a lucky girl. I found the cancer when it was still quite small and the breast care unit people seem positive. I wouldn’t have picked to have cancer, given the option, but seeing as I have, it’s not too much of a raw deal. I’m just happy to be having it treated and want to get on with my life!
Sunday 10 February 2008
Hospital
Out of hospital
It feels like a lifetime since my last post.
The day before the op, I took the day off to go riding and to clean my house...also had to get a filling as I broke a tooth the day before and a visit to the hospital to see the consultant again.
What the Consultant said
This set me mind at rest quite a lot. He showed me some pictures of a lady who'd had a wide local excision (the modern name for 'lumpectomy' which sums it up better than the old term). Obviously, they were not pretty pictures, being taken just 2 weeks after surgery. However, it cheered my up as I could see how I would be able to work with what was left to look pretty normal, at least when dresses.
He also mentioned the possibility of reconstruction, which was cheering as it was the first time that had come up, despite direct questions. To be honest, I don't fancy having the good boob 'taken in' to match but I don't much relish the idea of a silicon thing under my skin either. We'll see...
Last day
Busy, but I managed to have a ride and left everything as it should be. I managed to get whacked in the face out riding as I was sending a text and forgot to duck under a branch. Silly.It was also really nice that hubby and I got around to making love. Unprotected as it happens, which is just stupid, but I'll worry about that when I need to.
Hospital. Day 1.
Had to be there at 7.45 a.m. Felt very lonely waiting to be shown to my room, and even lonelier once I was in there. Put on a gown, got marked up for surgery, had a long talk with the anaesthetist and expressed all my worries about the anaesthetic to him.
The worries were born of the problems I have with local anaesthetics - I feel really spaced out and often very weepy and have to hide away and sleep off the after-effects. Oh, and they seem to wander. The anaesthetic for my breast biopsy numbed my face but the breast still ****ing hurt!
I walked to the operating theatre and got on the bed. Before I really got to grips with what was happening, I noticed that the room was going round unpleasantly, like it does when you've had waaay too many beers...and then I woke up in the recovery room. Sleepy, thirsty, bit sore...not too bad actually. Certainly not as bad as anticipated or as bad as a 'bad' local makes me feel.
Back to the ward, and learned the hard way that morphine does not agree with me. Hubby came to visit and the poor love had to listen to me throwing up...at least it wasn't beer! Not long after I stopped pressing the analgesia button, the sickness started to go away and glasses of water stayed in. By 9 pm, I was ready for a sandwich. One very last press of the morphine and off to sleep. Hmmm...not much luck there, as there were patients calling nurses every 5 minutes all night. I can only pity the nurses.
Hospital Day 2
What is with these people?! 6.30 a.m. on a Saturday, they want your blood pressure!
Much perkier. Had the hand thing out after having to beg and got dressed and wandered off to the hospital entrance. I must have looked like a really classy bird, with my 2 drains tucked into a Matalan carrier bag, fastened to my belt. Still, it was a btter look than the more usual dressing gown and tussled hair. I just could not bring myself to wander about in public like that!
I was a bit worried about what would happen if there was a fire, though, as there was no system of signing out or anyhting.
Really hungry so investigated what food I could buy...nothing healthy. I was quite deeply shocked! The hospital catering is awful and you can't even buy something decent to bump up the nutrient levels. Shocking.
Hubby brought daughters to visit, which was nice. Think we spent longer talking together than we do at home ordinarily!
In the evening, my mate visited. What a wonderful woman! She brought fruit, juice, chick lit, chocolate and shower gel and we had a good gossip, and a good giggle. She even did a bit of trigger point work on my bad back, which I'd put down to the hospital bed but my have been due to limbo-ing under a tree branch out riding!
Hospital Day 3
Sunday. Still pretty comfortable and no painkillers needed.
Soooooo boring. I was told I could go for a home visit and had to wait to be let out until 2. The afternoon whizzed by, just sitting on the sofa, chilling, and all too soon I had to be back. Still, at least I had a decent meal at home!
Leaving Hospital
Monday. Worst day so far. I was told at 10.30 that I could go as soon as I’d had the first drain out, been given some painkillers and a discharge letter. Er … helloo … quite how many painkillers have I used?
Had to wait for hubby to finish on the golf course and in the meantime I felt so sad, alone, quite bereft. I also got really angry as the whole concept of patient dignity seemed to fly out of the window! I was in a side room with ensuite and nurses kept on coming in, wanting to do things, without closing the door. One even invaded the bathroom for a long and very unhelpful chat about a friend of hers who’s undergoing chemo. I was naked, having a wash at the time!!! And I had to yell for someone to shut the door as I’d left my clothes on the bed and my towel didn’t cover a lot.
Eventually, hubby came. We got quite arsey about the discharge letter. I mean 4 hours to fill in a little form?!Home at last! It felt great.
It feels like a lifetime since my last post.
The day before the op, I took the day off to go riding and to clean my house...also had to get a filling as I broke a tooth the day before and a visit to the hospital to see the consultant again.
What the Consultant said
This set me mind at rest quite a lot. He showed me some pictures of a lady who'd had a wide local excision (the modern name for 'lumpectomy' which sums it up better than the old term). Obviously, they were not pretty pictures, being taken just 2 weeks after surgery. However, it cheered my up as I could see how I would be able to work with what was left to look pretty normal, at least when dresses.
He also mentioned the possibility of reconstruction, which was cheering as it was the first time that had come up, despite direct questions. To be honest, I don't fancy having the good boob 'taken in' to match but I don't much relish the idea of a silicon thing under my skin either. We'll see...
Last day
Busy, but I managed to have a ride and left everything as it should be. I managed to get whacked in the face out riding as I was sending a text and forgot to duck under a branch. Silly.It was also really nice that hubby and I got around to making love. Unprotected as it happens, which is just stupid, but I'll worry about that when I need to.
Hospital. Day 1.
Had to be there at 7.45 a.m. Felt very lonely waiting to be shown to my room, and even lonelier once I was in there. Put on a gown, got marked up for surgery, had a long talk with the anaesthetist and expressed all my worries about the anaesthetic to him.
The worries were born of the problems I have with local anaesthetics - I feel really spaced out and often very weepy and have to hide away and sleep off the after-effects. Oh, and they seem to wander. The anaesthetic for my breast biopsy numbed my face but the breast still ****ing hurt!
I walked to the operating theatre and got on the bed. Before I really got to grips with what was happening, I noticed that the room was going round unpleasantly, like it does when you've had waaay too many beers...and then I woke up in the recovery room. Sleepy, thirsty, bit sore...not too bad actually. Certainly not as bad as anticipated or as bad as a 'bad' local makes me feel.
Back to the ward, and learned the hard way that morphine does not agree with me. Hubby came to visit and the poor love had to listen to me throwing up...at least it wasn't beer! Not long after I stopped pressing the analgesia button, the sickness started to go away and glasses of water stayed in. By 9 pm, I was ready for a sandwich. One very last press of the morphine and off to sleep. Hmmm...not much luck there, as there were patients calling nurses every 5 minutes all night. I can only pity the nurses.
Hospital Day 2
What is with these people?! 6.30 a.m. on a Saturday, they want your blood pressure!
Much perkier. Had the hand thing out after having to beg and got dressed and wandered off to the hospital entrance. I must have looked like a really classy bird, with my 2 drains tucked into a Matalan carrier bag, fastened to my belt. Still, it was a btter look than the more usual dressing gown and tussled hair. I just could not bring myself to wander about in public like that!
I was a bit worried about what would happen if there was a fire, though, as there was no system of signing out or anyhting.
Really hungry so investigated what food I could buy...nothing healthy. I was quite deeply shocked! The hospital catering is awful and you can't even buy something decent to bump up the nutrient levels. Shocking.
Hubby brought daughters to visit, which was nice. Think we spent longer talking together than we do at home ordinarily!
In the evening, my mate visited. What a wonderful woman! She brought fruit, juice, chick lit, chocolate and shower gel and we had a good gossip, and a good giggle. She even did a bit of trigger point work on my bad back, which I'd put down to the hospital bed but my have been due to limbo-ing under a tree branch out riding!
Hospital Day 3
Sunday. Still pretty comfortable and no painkillers needed.
Soooooo boring. I was told I could go for a home visit and had to wait to be let out until 2. The afternoon whizzed by, just sitting on the sofa, chilling, and all too soon I had to be back. Still, at least I had a decent meal at home!
Leaving Hospital
Monday. Worst day so far. I was told at 10.30 that I could go as soon as I’d had the first drain out, been given some painkillers and a discharge letter. Er … helloo … quite how many painkillers have I used?
Had to wait for hubby to finish on the golf course and in the meantime I felt so sad, alone, quite bereft. I also got really angry as the whole concept of patient dignity seemed to fly out of the window! I was in a side room with ensuite and nurses kept on coming in, wanting to do things, without closing the door. One even invaded the bathroom for a long and very unhelpful chat about a friend of hers who’s undergoing chemo. I was naked, having a wash at the time!!! And I had to yell for someone to shut the door as I’d left my clothes on the bed and my towel didn’t cover a lot.
Eventually, hubby came. We got quite arsey about the discharge letter. I mean 4 hours to fill in a little form?!Home at last! It felt great.
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