Oh FEC!
Currently, I have a mix of emotions going on: Part of me thinks, ‘Right, I’ll show you, you nasty little cancer bastard!’ and the other part is panicing!
On 4 March, I had my first appointment with the oncologist. Well, her registrar. We talked about my results from the op and then looked at the prognosis, following various treatments (as calculated by ‘Adjuvant On Line’). There was around a 4% benefit to be had from adding chemo to the regime and I had to choose whether or not to go for it. My immediate reaction was that there is no way I could live with myself (or that my family would forgive me) if I didn’t do everything possible to rid myself of the cancer. If it comes back and I know I’ve thrown everything at it, then so be it. My over-riding feeling still have not changed.

I was back at the MacMillan unit on 11 March – bit of a shock to the system! There was this huge room, a bit like an old people’s home, and everyone had a selection of drips and cannulas on the go. Plus there were a variety of wigs and baldies in evidence. Big deep breath time. No treatment that day but I start on Wednesday. Gulp.

The treatment I’m having is 6 cycles of FEC. Sounds horrible. Not looking forward to being a baldie – no way will I look as sexy as hubby in a hairless state! Must admit, I won’t be sorry if I lose some weight. Surely there have to be some bonusus?! The ‘clean diet’ I’m supposed to follow sounds like a pain in the arse. (Sort of pregnancy diet.)

I’ve had my hair cut really short as it won’t be so bad if there’s only a bit to fall out. In a way, it’s a return to my old style, as I’ve been growing it for a year or so and had just got it into a short bob. Ho hum. It’s only hair. I’ve bleached it but can’t be bothered to dye it pink as I’m not going out anywhere. I’ve also been looking into eyebrow makeup and eyeliner to try to give my face a bit of definition without brows and lashes in much evidence. I’ve just had a thought: I might give the bright lipstick a go (think Kelly Osborne/Dita von Teese). I’m quite liking the Dita idea as it would go with pencilled brows and clearly fake eyeliner. I could even get a glam wig. LOL! Wish my stupid broadband connection was working so I could go and search for Dita wigs! I’ve also bought 2 cotton head wraps in my signature colours (pink and black) and a pink and black sewn bandana thing and a black ‘baker’s boy’ cap from Matalan and dug out 2 leopard-print scarves. (At this point, I have to explain that dyeing my hair pink was the best thing I ever did for my wardrobe. Since the only wearable colours with pink hair are black, white and pink, they are the only colours I buy. I have a few leopardskin pieces as I can’t resist it and a couple of turquoise or teal tops that I keep for blonde days.)

Faking it
I’m now the proud owner of a fake boob! It’s like an over-ambitious ‘chicken fillet’. Looks good in place but, boy, does it get sweaty! I can’t see me wearing it in summer and don’t wear it much now – only when I’m going out.
I thought bras would be a real problem but it’s not as bad as expected. I went to John Lewis in town and was fitted for bras and bought two sturdy over-shoulder-boulder-holders. Having discovered I’m actually a 34DD, the scale of the things shocked me, I can tell you! Unfortunately, although they look great under clothes, they are torture to wear, irritating my scar and rubbing under my arm. I’m thinking about taking them back but not sure I have the nerve.
Anyway, dear old Asda came to the rescue as they have several non-wires styles that are suitable and – bless them – they even have a mastectomy bra with a prosthesis pocket. Better still, the model on the packet is a young lovely, not some old granny so I’m not too embarrassed to buy one! M&S also seem to have some nice padded non-wired teeshirt bras so I may look at those too.

I’ve become obsessed with wig websites! I should have a NHS wig fitting appointment soon. Looked at the supplier’s website and, to be honest, I wouldn’t give you 57p, let alone 57 quid for many of the styles. (I suppose they’re OK if you’re after the vintage secretary look.) However, there are three styles that come in pink, and several nice cuts that come in more normal colours. I’m not too sure what my natural colour is as I’ve been dyeing my hair since I was 21 but I know that anything between baby blonde and liver chestnut looks just fine so surely there must be something worth wearing? My best mate is coming with me to help me choose. (Did I say how much I love her? Can I adopt her for my sister?)

Since I was diagnosed, I’ve been havering about whether or not pink hair is a good idea. Usually, I have the social skills to get past any misconceptions other people may have but when I’m wrong-footed myself, it doesn’t always work. My current view is that I’ll probably have a more natural colour of NHS wig (apparently, the retail prices are a LOT more than £57) and then get a pink one online for going out.

Homeopathy
Well, it still seems to be working as the hot flushed definitely stopped when I got support for my liver. Homeopath went on holiday and was meant to be back last week but doesn’t seem to be returning my calls. I think she’s trying to pass me on to her friend. When the internet is working, I’ll try emailing her and if she does not respond, I’ll find another one. (PS she rang while I was out and hubby passed the messag on v v late!)

I'm sooooo stressed about the chemo...I do hope she can help.

Non-cancer but nice
I rode our pony yesterday and it was the first time in ages that she went properly. Yay for my chiropractor who sorted out my back and gave Tup a treatment a few days ago!